Decisions

Becoming a parent changes you.  Some changes are big and obvious to everyone, while other changes are subtle but no less transformative.  Many changes, both small and large, have led me to the decision that I am struggling to make.  Do I quit my job and stay home with my baby?

Even before I was pregnant, I have always thought that a child’s best care giver is one of the parents.  That is not meant as a judgment on those who cannot, or do not want to, stay home and primarily raise their children, but in an ideal world, that decision would be valued and free of financial and career hardships. 

Since we do not live in an ideal world, I never thought I was cut out for staying at home.   I fear being out of the workforce and what that means when I want to return to work.  I am concerned with being seen to “waste” my education.  As I am a shy person around those I don’t know, I have reservations about my ability to build a social network for myself and my baby and know my more easy-going husband would manage the tasks of day-to-day parenting better than I can.  In addition, how would I stay mentally stimulated?  I thought these things before I was pregnant; I thought them while I was pregnant; and I thought them after our baby was born. 

But, being a parent changes things.  Becoming a mother has changed me.  All those concerns are still there, but so is a strong desire to raise my child the way my husband and I want.  We do not live in an ideal world, and choosing to stay at home will come with consequences, but we are in the position that there is a choice. 

In order to make myself comfortable with leaving my baby after maternity leave, I did my homework and planned ahead.  To attempt the “perfect balance” of work and parenting, I negotiated with my job to work 60% time.  As I have never liked big day cares, we planned a nanny share with another couple, and Ian was able to be cared for in our house.  So, we created the next best thing to staying at home, or so I thought. 

All the planning, however, did not make me feel great about returning to work.  I didn’t want to go back on one level, but that was the plan.  Plus, everyone told me that the reluctance to go back was a normal part of the process.  With time, I figured I would be happy to be back at work.  I never really have been though, and, all our planning did not ensure us problem-less childcare. After two major nanny care hitches in the past five months, and a nanny share couple that has decided to enroll their baby in day care, we are faced with a decision of what to do next. 

Although the latest disruption in our nanny share arrangement has brought this decision to the forefront, it is not the reason I am now considering staying home with Ian.  It has been in the back of my head for a while.  What the last 8 ½ months have taught me is that: I do not want a stranger raising my child; Bennett and I do not have a mainstream parenting philosophy; and I enjoy being a mother so much more than I thought I would.  Additionally, I am not in love with my job, and there are many ways to stay mentally stimulated.  So why not take the opportunity I have in front of me?  If I am judged for it, then it’s time for personal growth in the area of ignoring others’ opinions. 

I am 99% ready to make that choice…It is that 1% step, the step where I actually write a letter of resignation, that has me petrified.