Breastfeeding and Writer's Block

In the last two weeks my life has revolved around breastfeeding.  This is not due to any changes in Ian’s eating patterns, but from the start of my lactation educator class.  When Ian sleeps I watch lectures and do my assignments.  While I am finding my class very interesting, I feel as if I have no time to myself and no time free from breastfeeding!  All the new information is jumping around in my head.  

I wanted to write a post reflecting on one of the concepts covered in my class so far, but here I sit, with Ian napping in my lap, and writers block.  I have the time to write, but all the thoughts and ideas are refusing to come out in coherent ways.  Part of the purpose of this blog was to force me to get back in the habit of writing, so I am…

Yesterday my mom got here.  It’s so nice having the extra company and extra help.  The timing worked out perfectly that the most visual sections of my class could coincide nicely with my mom’s visit.  I get to benefit from her knowledge at explaining very visual concepts and the ability to discuss the lessons with a very knowledgeable person J

I’m hoping this case of writers block will end soon, and I can write a substantive breastfeeding post soon.

A brief reflection on the week…

This past week was my first official week home with Ian.  The two weeks of holidays don’t count with all the family around and Bennett home more than normal. 

The week went well, if tiring.  It was also a bit lonely.  Sometimes I forget how sociable I am because I also need lots of me alone time and get stressed by meeting new people. I know that the loneliness will improve as Ian and I meet new people through activities.  But wow was I happy each night when Bennett got home.  I mean I always am, but it took on a whole new meaning!  It’s nice to talk to an adult after following around a baby all day.  The cold also made me a bit stir-crazy because we didn’t get outside as much as normal.  However, there was lots of great snuggle and play time with Ian, which really nothing matches!

I am reminded, however, of all the extra work that I need to do because of my blindness to make it possible for Ian and me to benefit from all the activities in our neighborhood.  There’s a lot going on, but many things rotate where they are each week.  For most people, that’s not a problem, but for me, it means lots and lots of orienting and making new friends to help walk with me to hopefully cut down on some of that orienting.  Orienting takes time.  Although I’ve  lived in our neighborhood for years, there’s lots of places I haven’t gone, or haven’t had to go on my own.  Walking somewhere with Bennett is not the same as paying attention and knowing landmarks to walk there myself with my guide dog.  But, I am working on it.  There is just going to be a longer adjustment phase for me. 

All and all, a good first week for Ian and me J

Parenting Intentions

On New Year’s Day we went over to a close friend’s house for dinner. With two pregnant women and me with Ian in attendance, the conversation naturally turned to babies and parenting. One of the men said something that I have often found myself saying or thinking in the past months. We can say what we will do all we want, but when we are actually there, it might be very different.

Parenting is such a strange adventure. You plan, research, and talk to other parents and each other trying to figure out what kind of parent you want to be. Maybe you have a lot of baby and child experience or maybe you have almost none, but before the baby is born, you probably have developed a tentative parenting philosophy with ideas of what you will do on a range of topics from breastfeeding to sleeping arrangements, diapering to discipline.

And then the baby is born, and it’s everything you imagined and nothing like what you imagined. And situation after situation begins to test your parenting philosophy. And you say to yourself, “Is this really working?” “Do I really feel strongly about this now?” It’s those moments of frustration and sleep deprivation where the research meets your intuition that parents are made.

Every baby is different, and every family is different. Though guidelines are helpful, their one-size-fits-all nature makes them sometimes difficult to fit into your parenting reality. Suddenly you realize what is truly important to you and what needs to be reassessed.

For me, many of these decisions on the go were a combination of research and gut feelings. Some have gone against recommendations and guidelines, which for me was difficult to do having been steeped in the public health mindset for the past years. In the end, my parenting so far has been shaped by trusting my gut more than by official guidelines. That is not what I expected. I have still looked for quality research whenever possible when going against recommendations or widely held parenting opinions. As a result, I have found some great resources that have reminded me of the politics that go into guidelines and that there is sometimes a very valid “other side” to controversial issues.

Reflections…

I started trying to write this post about a half-a-dozen times. Trying is the optimum word in that sentence because I knew what I wanted to say, but couldn’t find a way to say it. In the past few days I have been reflecting a lot on the past year, and how much has changed. But how to sum up a year filled with so many hopes, fears, disappointments, and joys? Without writing a book, it couldn’t be done.

So as I sat here trying none-the-less to do so, two words kept popping into my head: challenges and thankful.

If there was ever a year in my life that I can define by challenges and the associated personal growth, it is 2013. This was a year filled with challenge after challenge, truly testing my abilities to grow and adapt in response to them. From trying to get through and come to terms with a disappointing and fearful birth experience to helping my husband through the anxiety caused by his constantly in crisis job, both Bennett and I have had to face challenges, learn, grow, and help each other. Throw in the child care drama, major job decisions, and the on-going learning process that is parenting and it has been an eventful year. It seemed like every time we got through one problem the next one was already headed our way.

Looking back, I am not the same person I was a year ago. I have found patience I never thought I would possess; strength I only hoped I could summon; and the flexibility to face yet another challenge coming our way with at least some grace (I hope). Most of all, I learned that you need to take control of your reality and redefine it into what you want it to be.

I am truly thankful for what the last year has taught me, even if the learning was stressful and difficult. I am thankful for our family and friends that gave our little family the support we needed. I am thankful that my mom had the ability, and desire, to spend more time in our house than hers because we needed her. I am thankful that this difficult year strengthened both Bennett and me individually and as a couple. And of course I am thankful for the little boy sleeping on his dad next to me.