As parents, we all spend a lot of time wondering if our baby’s behavior is normal. We ask around in our network or online, is it normal for my baby to (insert behavior?) Do other people’s babies do this?
Of course sharing is normal; we are social beings. Discussions with other parents are a great way to compare strategies and exchange information. It can be empowering and a relief to find other people struggling with the same problems you are.
But by focusing so much on normal behavior, do we forget to listen to our baby’s individual needs? Has normal come to mean average rather than variation?
Of course parenting is a constant learning process, and part of that process is learning from other parents, but why are we so unprepared for the normal variation of infant behavior?
I blame the mythical perfect baby. This baby eats every 2-3 hours and takes a set number of well-timed naps a day. She naps in her crib nicely while her parents get lots done. She can sleep through the night by six months, and around that time, happily starts eating solid foods. She hits her developmental milestones right about when her timeline says she should.
I know I’m exaggerating, and most people don’t expect this perfect baby, but there is still this ideal out there that is very powerful. People are very concerned when their baby doesn’t conform to the mythical baby timeline or their own expectations of normal. From listening to new parents I know, health professionals do little to alleviate the concerns and teach normal infant variation.
But is this ideal baby based on normal baby physiology? By talking about the average baby, are we failing to teach that there is a wide variation of normal baby behavior and needs? By seeking to validate our baby’s behavior as normal or not, do we forget to follow our baby’s cues?
Rather than teaching in averages and schedules, I wish expectant parents were taught how to read baby cues, and that normal is a range of behaviors and timings. I remember telling my mom at some point in the first few weeks that if I had followed the nurse’s advice and fed Ian every 2 hours, I would have had a much crankier baby. But I fed him when he was hungry, and before he cried, resulting in his happy personality coming through. I wasn’t worried if it was “normal that he ate every 45 minutes at certain parts of the day or that he needed to be held in order to sleep. It was what worked for him, and he was growing and happy. For him, it was normal.
I was able to do that, because I knew that no one told babies that they should eat on a schedule and sleep by themselves quickly. Crying is true frustration, not a hunger cue. If parents were taught how to see and understand their new baby’s behavior and cues, would some of the stress of a new parent be eased? I think so.
