La Leche League

Yesterday I went to my first La Leche League meeting, and for the first time, I found myself in a group of women who shared a similar mothering approach. Listening to the women share experiences and tips, joining in and sharing myself, I felt that I belonged. Talking with other parents over the course of Ian’s life has mostly made me feel out of place. Countless times I have told my husband that we need parent friends that have a similar parenting approach as us. Of course being exposed to differing views is thought provoking and good to a point, but it’s hard to be the only one in your circle that parents the way you do. So thank you La Leche League meeting for showing me that there are parents like us out there. I knew it, but had thus far seen no evidence of them. Yesterday also made me excited for my lactation class! I can’t wait to get more breastfeeding knowledge and start teaching and helping women myself.

Choices

Almost a month ago I sent out an email over our neighborhood family listserv asking for moms who stay at home to share their experiences with me. I thought that hearing others’ reflections on the decisions would help me think through my own decision, and it was helpful. Emails have still been trickling in, and a bit from one I received yesterday really stuck with me.

“Congrats on being able to stand at the threshold of the option. It's a gift to have the choice, no matter which you go with!”

It is such a great thing to have choices in our lives in how we raise our children. I wish everyone truly had the choice to make the work and child care decisions that made them the most happy and the best parent. The answer to that choice isn’t the same for all families, but all families should have the same array of choices. Too often income, geography, employers, and societal pressure dictate our options and choices in these situations. Wouldn’t it be great if all families had the opportunity to decide between having one parent stay at home; working part time; and having access to bring your baby to work programs and onsite daycares that encouraged parents visiting during the day? I can’t help but think we would have a healthier society if all those choices were both equally valued and equally accessible to all.

I am thankful that my family was in the position that there was a choice to make and that I could make the one that feels right to me.

It still hurts some, however, when I can tell some people think I’m crazy, or that staying home is somehow anti-feminist and setting women back. Or that somehow I am setting a bad example for Ian by not being a working mom. Do we really value work so much and raising children so little that if I’m not doing both I’m wasting myself? Of course once I take my lactation educator class I plan to teach some breastfeeding classes at times that my husband is available to take care of Ian. So in that way, I am going to find my own balance between stay-at-home momness and outside activities.

On the Path to Staying Home

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”
Lao-tzu,

I am now a soon-to-be stay-at-home mom!

I took the first step last week when I gave my notice at work.  Having agonized over the decision for weeks, it was time to stop and do.  Writing the first post on this blog helped mentally prepare me to move forward.  My last day is December 19.

The word is starting to get out, both at work and amongst our friends and family.  I have been happy that so far, I’ve gotten a lot of support in the decision.  I can only hope that this will continue, and that I will receive more positive feedback than negative.  Other’s opinions shouldn’t be important, but it’s always easier to feel supported than criticized.

The whole thing, however, still feels surreal.  No more redline commute!  No more dealing with our horrible grant system!  No more feisty division meetings or conversations with coworker’s or so many things both good and bad…  With Christmas and New Year’s right after I stop working, it probably won’t feel real until January when I can start to construct a fun routine for me and Ian.

Decisions

Becoming a parent changes you.  Some changes are big and obvious to everyone, while other changes are subtle but no less transformative.  Many changes, both small and large, have led me to the decision that I am struggling to make.  Do I quit my job and stay home with my baby?

Even before I was pregnant, I have always thought that a child’s best care giver is one of the parents.  That is not meant as a judgment on those who cannot, or do not want to, stay home and primarily raise their children, but in an ideal world, that decision would be valued and free of financial and career hardships. 

Since we do not live in an ideal world, I never thought I was cut out for staying at home.   I fear being out of the workforce and what that means when I want to return to work.  I am concerned with being seen to “waste” my education.  As I am a shy person around those I don’t know, I have reservations about my ability to build a social network for myself and my baby and know my more easy-going husband would manage the tasks of day-to-day parenting better than I can.  In addition, how would I stay mentally stimulated?  I thought these things before I was pregnant; I thought them while I was pregnant; and I thought them after our baby was born. 

But, being a parent changes things.  Becoming a mother has changed me.  All those concerns are still there, but so is a strong desire to raise my child the way my husband and I want.  We do not live in an ideal world, and choosing to stay at home will come with consequences, but we are in the position that there is a choice. 

In order to make myself comfortable with leaving my baby after maternity leave, I did my homework and planned ahead.  To attempt the “perfect balance” of work and parenting, I negotiated with my job to work 60% time.  As I have never liked big day cares, we planned a nanny share with another couple, and Ian was able to be cared for in our house.  So, we created the next best thing to staying at home, or so I thought. 

All the planning, however, did not make me feel great about returning to work.  I didn’t want to go back on one level, but that was the plan.  Plus, everyone told me that the reluctance to go back was a normal part of the process.  With time, I figured I would be happy to be back at work.  I never really have been though, and, all our planning did not ensure us problem-less childcare. After two major nanny care hitches in the past five months, and a nanny share couple that has decided to enroll their baby in day care, we are faced with a decision of what to do next. 

Although the latest disruption in our nanny share arrangement has brought this decision to the forefront, it is not the reason I am now considering staying home with Ian.  It has been in the back of my head for a while.  What the last 8 ½ months have taught me is that: I do not want a stranger raising my child; Bennett and I do not have a mainstream parenting philosophy; and I enjoy being a mother so much more than I thought I would.  Additionally, I am not in love with my job, and there are many ways to stay mentally stimulated.  So why not take the opportunity I have in front of me?  If I am judged for it, then it’s time for personal growth in the area of ignoring others’ opinions. 

I am 99% ready to make that choice…It is that 1% step, the step where I actually write a letter of resignation, that has me petrified.